The Beginning: The Secret

My heart skipped a beat for sure. You were true. Everything about you was real. And I was speechless. Hearing your voice, brought new feelings. I felt even more happy than I was before. It brought a sense of safeness.

In my head I knew that you said hello in Arabic but, was I supposed to say the same thing back? If I spoke in English, would you think that I am an incompetent Arab-American?

For most people, first impressions mattered. I didn’t want to say the wrong thing. I didn’t want to ruin what we had. Whatever it is. Hello! That’s what I will say. Mmm. Scratch Hello. Hi? Do I introduce myself?

I have to say something before you hang up.

“Heeehee… helloooo,” I giggled.

Oh no! What did I do? You must think I’m an idiot, I thought. Why, did I open my mouth? I will just listen.

continued.

I know I am not who you think I am but I really would like to indulge in my fantasy for a while before reality strikes again. Trust me it would be long before that happens.  When I talk to you it’s as if I am a totally different person… blah blah blah…

So I’ve already mentioned that before right.. I know I have been going on and on about my feelings for you. This is my only place of release. How dare I tell a soul about you! I would be so selfish. Oh, and my friends, wellllll… they’ll either think that I am crazy or on the rebound.

I wonder why you are such a jerk to me. Could it be that you really like me and you are just acting like a childish schoolboy who picks on his classmate because he’s got a crush on her? Maybe you are a jerk and I really am attracted to that type.  I didn’t know I had a type.

Even though I do believe that it was meant for you to not have answered my call last night, a part of me wishes I knew the sound of your voice.  Forward or not I am just going to do it. I mean, isn’t rejection what I am looking for?

“What do you sound like, can I hear your voice?”

It was then that those mixed feelings came back. You kept going around the question. I was persistent. I didn’t care that I was being selfish.  I knew you didn’t want to. I felt it.

Finally, my phone rang. “Unknown” was calling. It was you!

“Marhaba.”

continued.

When you did not mention it, I knew for sure that you were not ready to take that next step. I was forward after-all. I couldn't help but wonder, however, if you had a secret too. 

"Why didn't you answer my call?" I blurted out on the impulse.

"You didn't call me."

I was confused. I knew I had put in all the numbers correctly because I double-checked each digit so that I may not miss a number. I told you I had called the number you gave me. How was it possible that it did not go through? 

After a great deal of bickering back and forth, you told me that you missed a number. The number you had given me the night before was wrong. I sighed a sigh of relief but I wasn't sure why. It wasn't that you didn't want to talk to me. I smiled.

continued.

Many people tell me that I tend to over think. Now that I think about it, I do. I did just that.

I thought through every reason why you did not answer my call. I started to have mixed feelings; even remembered who I was. I remembered that I am the girl with the secret. All the old emotions that I used to feel came rushing back. I became sad. Even if you did have a good reason for not answering my call, it suddenly didn't matter.

I lollygaged for the next hour in pure disgust of myself. I had the nerve to expect something. HA! I knew I needed to get rid of you. If I didn't, my secret would come out. If it did, you would hate me. My secret is not something that could be neglected and passed up. My secret is one that burns. One that hurts if revealed. My secret is a secret which will change everything. I was selfish with you.

"Sorry, I just woke up," your message read.

Hesitantly, I responded just to assure you I was not mad.  In my mind I was debating whether or not I should mention that I called. I figured you must have saw the out of area number. I decided that I will wait until it comes up.

continued.

Its been about two weeks, and I am asking you to hear your voice!! I must have truly lost my mind. I don't typically allow for someone like you (or anyone) for that matter, into my life this easily. And I wait unguarded for your response. Do I honestly expect something out of you? The answer was yes.

***

You gave me your number that night. I was so ecstatic. I didn't know if I should call you or not. I promised you that I would wake you up. I contemplated whether or not it was a good idea. I wasn't sure if I wanted our first words to each other to be accompanied with eye boogers and a long yawn. I did promise I would wake you though. I was in a pickle.

I called my friend again. She would know what to do. I hope. After-all, last time I asked for her advice I was confessing my love to you. Nonetheless, I am happy with what came of it.  She told me to call you. She knew how much I wanted to. Her advice did not satisfy me.

9 PM- It was time. I picked up my phone and the scrap of paper with your number scribbled on it. I started dialing. 6-1-4... Click. What was I doing!!!? I hung up. You didn't need me to wake you up. 

Minutes passed, I still did not get a message from you. That was strange. You usually messaged me when you woke up. What if you didn't wake up, what if you missed your alarm, what if you were late to work and got fired? I picked up my phone once more, and dialed the number. Ring, ring, ring.

You didn't answer.

Insignificantly Significant

I am in love with you 'Oh Insignificant One'. In love with you on a level that isnt superficial (well, sort of).  I am in love with who you are. The idea of you has captured my heart and soul. Yet, I feel as though I don't even know you . Who was this person that I am so deeply falling for?

Just as I have been keeping secrets from you, I feel you are doing the same. Up until now, you have not revealed your face to me. I have seen a few pictures here and there. And your voice I have not heard. Would I be presumptuous if I asked for such things considering I, too, have my own secrets I am hiding? Maybe you are waiting for just the right moment to ask. You do not seem to be one with many secrets. I could be wrong, considering you are not like the typical men I have come across.

"You need some sleep, you say?"
"Yes, I need to wake up in a few hours."

I don't want you to go but I couldn't tell you that. I knew you needed your rest. You did not sleep very much the night before because I kept you awake. "I just hope I will wake up." It was just then that my secret was defeated by my curiosity. I wanted to know! I longed to find out who you are. As I typed the words that'll change our relationship forever:

"Do you want me to give you a missed call?" My palms became so sweaty. Did I cross a boundary you did not want to?!! I hope I was not too forward.

continued.

I began to lose all measure of time during our conversations. Amidst the wise-crack remarks you and I threw at each other, my premature feelings grew. With each snare I fell in love with you more and more. I was never given this attention by anyone.

I loved it.
I even craved it.

It was an obsession, almost. There were nights that I stayed up thinking about you. I would think about my future with you and what it could be. I'd wonder about how you had changed my thoughts; how easily you were able to touch my heart. I knew not your voice and never did I meet you face to face. Was I truly in love? Did I just recite those words to get rid you--did I want to?

I squeezed my pillows tighter now. I smiled bigger. I pranced around the house humming the songs you sent me. I counted the seconds to get a message from you. I didn't care about my secret anymore. Selfish... no! Just sincerely in love with you.