The Beginning: The Secret

My heart skipped a beat for sure. You were true. Everything about you was real. And I was speechless. Hearing your voice, brought new feelings. I felt even more happy than I was before. It brought a sense of safeness.

In my head I knew that you said hello in Arabic but, was I supposed to say the same thing back? If I spoke in English, would you think that I am an incompetent Arab-American?

For most people, first impressions mattered. I didn’t want to say the wrong thing. I didn’t want to ruin what we had. Whatever it is. Hello! That’s what I will say. Mmm. Scratch Hello. Hi? Do I introduce myself?

I have to say something before you hang up.

“Heeehee… helloooo,” I giggled.

Oh no! What did I do? You must think I’m an idiot, I thought. Why, did I open my mouth? I will just listen.

continued.

I know I am not who you think I am but I really would like to indulge in my fantasy for a while before reality strikes again. Trust me it would be long before that happens.  When I talk to you it’s as if I am a totally different person… blah blah blah…

So I’ve already mentioned that before right.. I know I have been going on and on about my feelings for you. This is my only place of release. How dare I tell a soul about you! I would be so selfish. Oh, and my friends, wellllll… they’ll either think that I am crazy or on the rebound.

I wonder why you are such a jerk to me. Could it be that you really like me and you are just acting like a childish schoolboy who picks on his classmate because he’s got a crush on her? Maybe you are a jerk and I really am attracted to that type.  I didn’t know I had a type.

Even though I do believe that it was meant for you to not have answered my call last night, a part of me wishes I knew the sound of your voice.  Forward or not I am just going to do it. I mean, isn’t rejection what I am looking for?

“What do you sound like, can I hear your voice?”

It was then that those mixed feelings came back. You kept going around the question. I was persistent. I didn’t care that I was being selfish.  I knew you didn’t want to. I felt it.

Finally, my phone rang. “Unknown” was calling. It was you!

“Marhaba.”

continued.

When you did not mention it, I knew for sure that you were not ready to take that next step. I was forward after-all. I couldn't help but wonder, however, if you had a secret too. 

"Why didn't you answer my call?" I blurted out on the impulse.

"You didn't call me."

I was confused. I knew I had put in all the numbers correctly because I double-checked each digit so that I may not miss a number. I told you I had called the number you gave me. How was it possible that it did not go through? 

After a great deal of bickering back and forth, you told me that you missed a number. The number you had given me the night before was wrong. I sighed a sigh of relief but I wasn't sure why. It wasn't that you didn't want to talk to me. I smiled.

continued.

Many people tell me that I tend to over think. Now that I think about it, I do. I did just that.

I thought through every reason why you did not answer my call. I started to have mixed feelings; even remembered who I was. I remembered that I am the girl with the secret. All the old emotions that I used to feel came rushing back. I became sad. Even if you did have a good reason for not answering my call, it suddenly didn't matter.

I lollygaged for the next hour in pure disgust of myself. I had the nerve to expect something. HA! I knew I needed to get rid of you. If I didn't, my secret would come out. If it did, you would hate me. My secret is not something that could be neglected and passed up. My secret is one that burns. One that hurts if revealed. My secret is a secret which will change everything. I was selfish with you.

"Sorry, I just woke up," your message read.

Hesitantly, I responded just to assure you I was not mad.  In my mind I was debating whether or not I should mention that I called. I figured you must have saw the out of area number. I decided that I will wait until it comes up.

continued.

Its been about two weeks, and I am asking you to hear your voice!! I must have truly lost my mind. I don't typically allow for someone like you (or anyone) for that matter, into my life this easily. And I wait unguarded for your response. Do I honestly expect something out of you? The answer was yes.

***

You gave me your number that night. I was so ecstatic. I didn't know if I should call you or not. I promised you that I would wake you up. I contemplated whether or not it was a good idea. I wasn't sure if I wanted our first words to each other to be accompanied with eye boogers and a long yawn. I did promise I would wake you though. I was in a pickle.

I called my friend again. She would know what to do. I hope. After-all, last time I asked for her advice I was confessing my love to you. Nonetheless, I am happy with what came of it.  She told me to call you. She knew how much I wanted to. Her advice did not satisfy me.

9 PM- It was time. I picked up my phone and the scrap of paper with your number scribbled on it. I started dialing. 6-1-4... Click. What was I doing!!!? I hung up. You didn't need me to wake you up. 

Minutes passed, I still did not get a message from you. That was strange. You usually messaged me when you woke up. What if you didn't wake up, what if you missed your alarm, what if you were late to work and got fired? I picked up my phone once more, and dialed the number. Ring, ring, ring.

You didn't answer.

Insignificantly Significant

I am in love with you 'Oh Insignificant One'. In love with you on a level that isnt superficial (well, sort of).  I am in love with who you are. The idea of you has captured my heart and soul. Yet, I feel as though I don't even know you . Who was this person that I am so deeply falling for?

Just as I have been keeping secrets from you, I feel you are doing the same. Up until now, you have not revealed your face to me. I have seen a few pictures here and there. And your voice I have not heard. Would I be presumptuous if I asked for such things considering I, too, have my own secrets I am hiding? Maybe you are waiting for just the right moment to ask. You do not seem to be one with many secrets. I could be wrong, considering you are not like the typical men I have come across.

"You need some sleep, you say?"
"Yes, I need to wake up in a few hours."

I don't want you to go but I couldn't tell you that. I knew you needed your rest. You did not sleep very much the night before because I kept you awake. "I just hope I will wake up." It was just then that my secret was defeated by my curiosity. I wanted to know! I longed to find out who you are. As I typed the words that'll change our relationship forever:

"Do you want me to give you a missed call?" My palms became so sweaty. Did I cross a boundary you did not want to?!! I hope I was not too forward.

continued.

I began to lose all measure of time during our conversations. Amidst the wise-crack remarks you and I threw at each other, my premature feelings grew. With each snare I fell in love with you more and more. I was never given this attention by anyone.

I loved it.
I even craved it.

It was an obsession, almost. There were nights that I stayed up thinking about you. I would think about my future with you and what it could be. I'd wonder about how you had changed my thoughts; how easily you were able to touch my heart. I knew not your voice and never did I meet you face to face. Was I truly in love? Did I just recite those words to get rid you--did I want to?

I squeezed my pillows tighter now. I smiled bigger. I pranced around the house humming the songs you sent me. I counted the seconds to get a message from you. I didn't care about my secret anymore. Selfish... no! Just sincerely in love with you.

continued.

The next few days were happy. I was happy. I played my game so well, I started to believe in it myself. 

"Have you ever loved?" 

"Nope, I tried my best to avoid it." You told me.

It was at that point that I realized you were not just like everyone I have met. Here is where I throw my disclaimer about men.

Aah men! Every man in my opinion is basically the same. They are unemotional, careless, selfish beings who want one thing and one thing only. Because of that, objectifying women is no grandeur. They think they are the best, making themselves 'oh so' superior!" 

I can go on and on about my hate for the alpha male, but I will not go through the trouble. Why? You seem to have proven this to be wrong. Well, maybe....I must find out why you've avoided love. It could very well be the exact thing I said. 

"It is not good to play around, if I know I can not marry her. Why waste my time and hers." Fireworks in the shape of hearts went off in my head. This wasn't a game anymore.

continued.

The weight of my secret pressed against my chest like a cement boulder. Was I out of my mind to think that I could have done this? I allowed my feelings to overpower what I knew couldn't really be.  

I will continue this perfect fantasy until the time is appropriate and then we will part our ways. I will enjoy you as you will enjoy me (my perfect me). I know you will not stay if you knew the real me. Sooner or later you will. You must. I just pray that I do not hurt you in the mean time. 

The happiness that you have brought me within the past two weeks have been more than I deserve. I am nothing. A girl who has loads of uglies and a deep dark secret. Therefore, I am truly grateful Oh Insignificant One. 

Shocked As Reality Struck

After the shock of the words I have uttered wore off, I was hit with yet another. Were my eyes giving out on me, did the shock of what I spoke allow for me to lose my sense of language? Am I reading correctly? Suddenly, all the letters looked the same as I stared at my phone.

The pounding that perforated my chest called anxiousness was back. I stumbled to find the appropriate words, the appropriate feelings, but I couldn't. My plan didn't go as I expected.

I failed. I was happy. My Insignificant Other was not insignificant anymore. This person who I have just met was breaking my rules; breaking through my walls. This person was you.

I smiled from ear to ear. I held my phone a little more close, close to me, close to my secret. Suddenly, reality struck. I remembered that you have fallen in love with my "pretties" not with me. The smile that beamed on my face disappeared.

continued.

"Do you have a moment, I would like to speak to you. It's somewhat important, please message me as soon as you can." It was at this point that I felt as though my heart would burst from the heavy pounding. I didn't want to go through with my plan. But, just like always, its not about what I want. After-all it truly doesn't matter because it's about your happiness not mine.

6:30 am-- As my phone vibrated I became anxious. Anxious to hear the rehearsed reply to what I would soon tell my Insignificant Other. How would I begin to even utter the words?  Seconds after exchanging hellos seemed like minutes and even hours. I needed to just say it. Go on with this manipulative plan that will rid you of my "ugly" life--so you may live a happy perfect one.

"I love you." I said.

Momentary silence. As I thought did I really just say that! I waited for the rejection to slap me across my face. My phone vibrated.

"I love you too."

continued.

I have a plan. One devised by the assistance of a "friend" to get rid of you. You are too good to be true and therefore, you must go. It will work. It must!

I am falling in love. In love with the idea of falling in love. In love with the person who loves me for the qualities that I am not. Dejavu huh!?! I refuse to have history rewrite itself on my account.

It may seem as though I am so eager to get rid of you. A part of me has gotten attached to you, Oh Insignificant One. You have come into my life as a breath of fresh air, giving me new ambitions and dreams. Utopia!

...hahaha Utopia!? If only I could, just.. No, I can't. You must go. Because I have a secret.

continued.

I mean don't get me wrong; its nothing personal. Well, it is.. just not (YOU) personally. It is me! This must end. How though?

There are times in which you are so sure about something, that there is no possible way that it be wrong. This was one of those times. I was so certain that this insignificant person certainly wasn't losing sleep over someone like me! Someone whose "uglies" outnumber the pretties. And I was right, this person wasn't losing sleep over me. To this person I wasn't me.

Day 10- A Superficial Relationship

It's been exactly 10 days since we've met, aren't you bored yet? This relationship has gone on long enough. I am constantly on edge thinking about how to keep my horrid secret from you "What have you done? Do you know that you will end up getting hurt?"

This relationship is the true essence of what I was not. In today's world, one who enjoys the company of someone else does not push that person away. When a person enjoys the company of another, that person does everything in their power to make sure that that person continues to be in their life.

Forgive me for i am going to do the opposite of that!

The past few nights have been restless. I did everything right. I did not open up too much. I still hold my secret. It is still buried in that deep hole which is unreachable.

Then why do I feel this way? WHY DO I HAVE FEELINGS? Feelings, yes feelings?!!? I have feelings for you. 

continued.

There are days in which my secret is faded and my perfect superficial relationship becomes reality. I forget that about my ugly qualities and embrace my good ones. I embrace them so well that this new relationship doesn’t seem to be so superficial. Not just for me, but also for you.

In my mind, I just want to live in the moment. I know its temporary. It’ll never last. And neither will our relationship. Taking the time and energy to expose my “uglies” is pointless.

I can’t hurt you. Please understand.

continued.

Usually my secret is buried in a deep dark hole within myself. After-all, in the world I live in, its about appearance more than reality. Pretty hair, white smile, size 0 waist. I am everything but that.

I have a secret--one that no one would be able to reach, so I thought..

If I focus on burying it deeper and deeper within myself, maybe my secret will not be exposed. "Umm, I did mention that this relationship cannot be anything but superficial, right?"